There are two reasons that I’m writing this update today. The first is convenient timing, and the second is slightly odd. The first being that its mental health week and the second is that I read an amazing piece late last week on mental health was written by someone I follow on Twitter. When I read the piece and saw how they opened up their recent struggles, my first initial thought was actually that of guilt, and I tried to think why that might be.
It suddenly clicked. I’ve always been very open regarding my mental health on here and on social media and wrote many blog posts on my battles, but I realised I haven’t really talked about it at all this year, and I suddenly felt huge guilt over it. I almost felt like a bad depressive. Breaking the stigma around mental health is a cause that I feel incredibly strongly about, and I always want to write more, and I feel as though I’m not doing my bit. I think it’s because my depression has almost become very boring. But that’s not a bad thing. In fact, I’m pleased with that.
It means I’m possibly finally coping.
It means that I’m getting through life. I’ve written pieces before where I talk about my depression as being a blur, and that perfectly sums it up at this moment. Weeks, months, and now years are just passing by without little thought, and my illness is what it is. I can’t change that, and that is perfectly fine. The problem is how I do I talk about it now, and what do I talk about? It’s almost as if it doesn’t feel right to talk about it if you’re not at your worst.
So where am I now?
I’m in an odd place, to be honest. Although I’m very much not at my worst, I’m still not in a good place. Most days are still a struggle, but I do feel as though I am getting there – heck I’m used to it now, it’s been around 7 years now in fact since my battles with depression began. I haven’t self-harmed for a few months now which is great, and worse thoughts are far and few between.
One big development in my life is at work. I had another promotion back in April and my department’s structure was reshuffled; this has meant that over the summer I have been working evenings, weekends, totalling a few hundred hours of overtime. This, alongside other projects, general life chores, and frankly ridiculous levels of stress have meant very little time for self-care and relaxation, something I really need to work on. My exercise levels and diet have also definitely taken a hit because of this, which of course in turn just makes us feel worse about ourselves.
Anyways, I’ll stop rambling on now. I think the important thing I’ve realised is that I do need to talk about this more because it will be the only way we can break the stigma. Even when there’s not much going on, and it’s a bit boring, talk about it, and if someone talks about it, listen. It’s okay to be in a boring state because it’s better than what it could be. I will take boring any day, but the fight continues, and it always will, and frankly, that’s okay.